The love languages you speak need to evolve with the evolving needs of your relationship. Here’s a crash course in four emergent love languages.

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For decades, Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages offered a simple and enduring framework for understanding how people give and receive affection. Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch became a common vocabulary for couples trying to decode one another’s emotional needs. But while those five languages reshaped how we talk about intimacy, psychology has since broken newer and more unfamiliar ground.

Love, as we know now, is not just a matter of expression; it’s also a system of regulation. We can view it as a dynamic, adaptive process that helps two nervous systems, two histories and two futures coexist in the same space.

And that shift matters most when life gets heavy: when your partner is grieving the death of a parent, when infertility treatments fail, when a sudden layoff collapses years of financial security or a chronic illness stretches months into years. In those moments, the traditional love languages, though still meaningful, start to feel insufficient.

This is where a new vocabulary begins to emerge. Psychological research has started to identify subtler forms of connection, four “secret” love languages that help couples stay attuned not just through pleasure, but through pressure.

1. The Love Language Of Co-Regulation

Love that can survive seasons of stress and regeneration is often rooted in what neuroscientists call co-regulation: the way one person’s composure can help settle another’s nervous system.

Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory suggests that when we feel safe with another person, our body’s social engagement system activates: heart rate slows, breathing steadies and our tone softens. Partners can literally regulate one another’s physiological states through subtle physical cues like a gentle touch, a familiar voice or even a shared rhythm of breathing.

You can imagine a couple mid-argument. One partner senses things escalating and immediately begins to soften their voice. When the other partner registers it as a call for safety (not retreat), they also unconsciously mirror that tone. Within seconds, both their bodies begin to downshift. The fight continues until resolution, but the threat response is nipped right at the bud.

The benefits of a fruitful argument, then, aren’t just limited to reaching a successful resolution or consensus. They also extend to reinforcing the synchronicity between your bodies and serve as a reminder of the power your mere presence holds in calming your partner down.

2. The Love Language Of Parallel Play

The love language of parallel play comes most naturally to children. You’ve probably seen it play out if you’ve ever noticed how two kids sitting side-by-side — one playing a game, the other doing crafts — are at once lost in their own worlds and still comforted by each others’ presence. Adults, too, can rediscover this form of connection.

As couples grow, their need for constant engagement often gives way to the gentler desire to be alone together. Research on relationship autonomy shows that partners who allow each other psychological space generally feel happier about their relationships, and their interactions are much more direct when they need their partners’ help.

If you and your partner are able to exist in the same space, engaged in a solitary activity without the need to perform or fill the air with words, then you’re fluent in the love language of parallel play. A great example would be sitting on opposite sides of the room and reading silently. Your partner watching the game while you cook in the kitchen would be another.

The common thread, of course, isn’t just the act of co-existing, but also the intangible but palpable sense of reassurance that you might feel during it.

3. The Love Language Of Role Switching

In every relationship, partners assume specific roles that serve the well-being of their bond. In some relationships, one partner might plan while the other improvises. In others, one partner might be in charge of emotional stability while the other is in charge of practical or logistical stability.

But when these roles harden — for instance, when one partner is always the caretaker, and the other always the dependent — intimacy can begin to erode. The healthiest couples practice what recent research calls relational adaptability, or the ability to switch roles fluidly as life demands it.

A 2022 study in Journal of Marriage and Family on the relationship health of frontline workers emphasizes the “role flexibility,” among other skills like communication and emotion regulation, as crucial to relationship resilience during times of upheaval.

Role switching, in this sense, can be considered the relational equivalent of a dance: each person takes turns leading and following, depending on what the moment needs.

Imagine a couple navigating a health crisis. For months, one partner handles logistics, appointments and emotional triage. But when the worst of it passes, the other becomes the emotional anchor; it’s then their turn to remind the other to rest, to grieve and to catch their breath. The choreography changes, but the partnership holds strong. Rigid roles can make relationships feel brittle. But flexible ones make them resilient.

4. The Love Language Of Time Empathy

Some people process emotions like sprinters. They’re fast, expressive and eager to resolve any obstacle that comes their way. Others, in contrast, move slowly, reflect often and need time to metabolize what’s happened — almost like marathoners. When these internal clocks clash, couples can mistake differences in pacing for differences in love.

This is where time empathy becomes essential. This emerging idea in relationship science refers to how well partners honor each other’s psychological sense of time. This includes their speed of healing and decision-making, as well as how quickly or slowly they adapt to change.

A 2022 article published in the Negotiation Journal even argues that synchronized temporal trajectories (partners moving at similar paces through decisions, repairs, life transitions) increase closeness and trust. Asynchrony, on the other hand, undermines perceived commitment. This might imply the need for one partner to halt and wait if one partner falls out of sync so that they can pick themselves back up and recalibrate.

For example, when one partner needs to withdraw after an argument, and the other resists the urge to rush a resolution, that patience is them speaking the love language of temporal empathy. Likewise, when the slower partner recognizes the other’s need for closure and gently leans in sooner than they might prefer, that too is love translated through time.

Want to know if you can speak these love languages of letting your partner be? Take the science-backed Relationship Control Scale to know where you stand.