Sweet dreams are more like a pipe dream when 12 a.m. turns into 2 a.m.—and you still can’t stop worrying about all the work you have to do, the bills you need to pay, the argument you had with your sister, and the feeling that you maybe, probably, definitely are going to die sooner than you should because of a lack of sleep.
Experts say almost everyone experiences this kind of middle-of-the-night panic at some point. “The most basic and common reason why we get more anxious at night is because of the decrease in the amount of distraction and activity we have going on,” says Michael G. Wetter, a clinical psychologist and director of psychology in the division of adolescent and young adult medicine at UCLA Medical Center. “Our mind goes off road, and there’s nothing to guide us and keep us on track and focused and feeling productive.”
So what should you do about your racing thoughts at night? Thrash around until the sun comes up? Open your laptop and start chipping away at your to-do list? Or find some way to put those unwanted thoughts to bed?
We asked Wetter and other experts to share their favorite ways to soothe nighttime anxiety.
Carve out “worry time”
A few hours before you turn in for the night, set a timer and spend five minutes making two lists. On one, write down everything you’re worried about that’s within your control: you forgot to call the veterinarian, you didn’t sign your kid’s permission slip, you didn’t finish responding to all your emails. On the other, log the things you can’t do anything about, like the possibility that it will rain during your vacation next week.
“Get everything down on the page, like word vomit,” says Leah Kaylor, a clinical psychologist and author of the forthcoming book If Sleep Were a Drug: The Science of Sleep Optimization.
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When the timer goes off, drop the list of unfinished tasks within your control into your work bag or on your desk, where it will serve as a to-do list for the next day. “You’re telling your brain, ‘Hey, I heard you, and I don’t want these things to be unfinished either,’” Kaylor says. “‘Now look, I have them down on my to-do list.’”
Then, rip up the paper where you logged everything outside of your control, and throw the tiny shreds out. (Or burn them, if you favor theatrics.) “You’re telling your brain, ‘I heard you, and now I need you to hear me. We can’t do anything about this,’” Kaylor says. Otherwise, your worries will continue flaring up, she adds. Once you write them down, “they’ll leave you alone,” because your brain will be content that the situation has been acknowledged.
Do some (positive) mental gymnastics
Trying to clear your mind isn’t always the right approach for anxiety. A busy brain keeps anxiety at bay—so distract yourself with soothing mental exercises. One of Kaylor’s favorites: Summoning every single detail from the plot of a beloved TV show, movie, or book. “Try to get in the weeds about it, like if there was this brilliant episode and you somehow lost the script and needed to refilm it,” she says. “It gives your brain something to do: What did the background look like? What were the characters wearing? What was their tone of voice and body language?”
You could also play the alphabet game, which involves picking a category—stores at the mall, animals, vegetables, baby names—and coming up with one word for each letter from A to Z. It’s fun, it’s creative, and it requires enough brainpower to divert your attention from stressful thoughts, Kaylor says. These types of exercises are so calming that people often tell her that they often don’t even make it halfway through the alphabet before falling asleep.
Tap into your five senses
Keep something textured by your bed, like a smooth stone, that you can touch as soon as you start to get anxious. It’s also a good idea to get into the habit of sipping on cool water, listening to soft ambient music, or finding other ways to ground yourself via your five senses.
“For many people, including myself, the sensation of cool bed sheets signals, ‘OK, this is the time where I can just melt into this,’” Wetter says. “Sometimes we dismiss the power of our own sensitivity.” Anchoring yourself in the present moment can pull your mind away from spiraling thoughts, helping you feel at ease instead, he adds.
Get out of bed
Staying under the covers can reinforce the association between bed and stress. “My rule of thumb is that if you know you’re not going to fall asleep in the next 15 to 20 minutes, you should get up,” Kaylor says. Ideally, you’ll relocate into a dim room, since bright lights signal to the brain that it’s time to wake up. Then, do something “very boring,” she advises. “Maybe that looks like adult coloring books, or just very leisurely folding some laundry.”
The key is to avoid anything your brain might register as exciting, like watching an action movie or reading a book you’ll want to finish before dawn. “Do whatever boring activity you’ve selected until you feel sleepy, and then get back into bed,” Kaylor says. Some people will need to get in and out of bed several times over the course of a night, she adds, but with time, you’ll train yourself that the bedroom is for sleeping only—not a place where anxiety rears its ugly head.
Challenge the 3 a.m. distortion effect
When you start spinning out about everything under the sun—or moon—remind yourself that nighttime thoughts are often exaggerated. What might be a run-of-the-mill concern at 2 p.m. morphs into a caricatured version of itself at 2 a.m. that feels beyond impossible and unsolvable.
Wetter suggests quelling these thoughts by telling yourself: “If this still feels urgent in the morning, I’ll deal with it then.”
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“It’s not that you’re ignoring it,” he says. “You’re just not going to act on it in that moment, because that would be an act of impulsion.” Clients often describe firing off emails or otherwise trying to rectify whatever is keeping them up at night—which they regret the next morning, when daylight shrinks those problems back down to their normal stature.
Keep a comfort script nearby
If you’re prone to jolting awake in panic, Wetter suggests keeping a written note with a calming message or affirmation affixed to your nightstand. It’s another grounding technique that he’s found helps people self-soothe quickly. Your note might say something like: “You’ll deal with it tomorrow,” “It’s not as big a deal as you’re making it out to be,” or “Everything is going to be OK.”
“It’s your mantra—your affirmation,” he says. “It’s your self-statement that says, ‘It’s going to be fine for now; you can deal with it later.’ That helps trigger that sense of reasonability, rationality, and calm.”
Reframe how you think about waking
When you’ve been tossing and turning for hours, you’ll probably become even more anxious over the idea that your exhaustion is going to ruin the next day. Reframe that catastrophic thinking, Wetter urges. Waking up overnight is a “natural variation” of everyone’s sleeping schedule, he says, and the less pressure you put on getting enough rest, the easier it becomes to fall back asleep.
He likens it to the same framework of acceptance that’s helpful when you’re stuck in traffic: You can’t jump out of the car and jog to your destination, or flex your muscles and shove the other vehicles forward. That means you can either choose to be anxious and succumb to an agitated mood, or accept the fact that you’re going to get to work when you get there. “You can be angry and anxious and distressed, or you can accept it and say, ‘Look, I’m going to be late. Let me listen to some music or a podcast or make a phone call I would have made later in the day,’” he says.
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The same approach applies to being awake at an inopportune time. Instead of ruminating over your inability to sleep, “Tell yourself, ‘I’m going to enjoy the moment of calm,’” Wetter advises. “‘Maybe I’ll read a book, maybe I’ll watch a little TV; I’m not going to force myself to fall asleep. I’m just going to let my body relax.’”