2 Ways Rejection Therapy Heals Wounded Self-Esteem— By A Psychologist

We’re wired to seek approval and avoid disapproval — and that’s exactly why you should try “rejection therapy,” especially if you struggle with a stubborn fear of rejection. Rejection therapy refers to the practice of intentionally seeking out situations that could lead to rejection to build resilience and overcome fear.

Maureen Evelyn, for instance, founded the Rejecto app, which is meant to help users overcome their fear of rejection by gamifying the process through checkpoints and rewards. She was someone who spent her entire high school life afraid of rejection. One day, on a whim, she applied to Harvard, expecting a flat-out no. But instead of being rejected, she got waitlisted.

That watershed moment showed her how different her life could be when she refuses to let fear of rejection hold her back. Like Evelyn, so many of us move through our lives haunted by this fear that, inevitably, becomes one of the biggest obstacles to our personal and professional growth.

Here are three reasons you should give rejection therapy a sincere shot.

1. It Desensitizes Us To The Fear Of Rejection

Imagine being in a class where no one wants to compliment you. That was American author Jia Jiang as a child.

In first grade, his teacher came up with a sweet idea: everyone would receive a gift, but only after a classmate said something nice about them. The gifts were stacked in a corner, and one by one, students were called, complimented and allowed to choose theirs. But Jia’s name was never called. Eventually, the teacher told him to just pick a gift and sit down.

That moment stayed with him and became the emotional flashpoint that eventually sparked his decision years later to take on a bold personal challenge to overcome his fear of rejection: 100 days of rejection therapy.

“Rejection therapy changed my life,” Jiang said in a TED talk recounting the experience and how it affected him.

“The first couple of rejections felt like death. Intellectually, I knew I’d survive, but it was nerve-racking, like standing in front of a lion. Then it got easier. I see the world differently now. I view it through a lens of abundance. If you open up to other people, they might open up to you,” he explained to the audience.

But, what exactly is it about repetition that helps us overcome the deep-seated, evolutionary fear of rejection (real, anticipatory or perceived) that we carry everyday? There might be a combination of factors at play:

• Repeated exposure eases the emotional sting. Just like building a muscle, facing rejection over and over makes hurts less with each try. Imagine walking up to strangers and asking for high-fives or a discount at a store. The first few times might feel painfully awkward, but as you do it more, the discomfort fades. You start to realize that a “no” is just part of the process. It’s a form of exposure therapy, where the more we expose ourselves to our fear, the more chances we give ourselves to conquer it.
• It helps break the “regret paralysis” loop. Research published in Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes shows that missing a major opportunity can lead to inaction inertia — a state where regret from the past makes us freeze up when new opportunities arise and not take any action at all. Rejection therapy helps break this cycle. By encouraging you to act even when you’re afraid of failure, it retrains your brain to focus on current possibilities rather than lost ones.
• It conditions your brain to act despite discomfort. The more you face potential rejection, the less you fear it. Over time, your brain stops treating inaction as the safer path. You become more comfortable with uncertainty and more willing to take risks — even if they don’t always pay off.

2. Rejection Therapy Helps Rebuild Your Self-Worth

A 2008 study published in Self and Identity found that everyone does not react the same way to negative feedback. People who base their self-worth heavily on others’ approval tend to take rejection much harder. They experience lower self-esteem, more negative emotions and an increased desire to change how they’re seen.

Interestingly, their reactions also vary depending on their overall self-esteem:

• Those with low self-esteem tried to appear more physically attractive, perhaps as a way to win back approval.
• Those with high self-esteem shifted their energies onto reinforcing their warmth, kindness and capacity for care.

High self-esteem is not built solely on achievements, looks or others’ validation. It’s more likely shaped by personal values, life experiences and, often, by working through rejection. People with high self-esteem may have faced rejection before, but they extracted the lesson of not taking it as proof that they’re unworthy.

For instance, when caught in a tough spot, individuals with low self-esteem may ask themselves, “How can I make people like me?”

In contrast, someone with higher self-esteem might ask themselves, “How can I stay true to myself, even if some people don’t like me?”

The latter is what pushes them to strive for more. The more you expose yourself to rejection, the more you build on your social courage. You sharpen your ability to speak up, take chances and show up as yourself, even when a “no” looms over the horizon.

Repeat this process enough times, and you’ll be able to separate external feedback from internal identity, understanding that someone saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re not enough.

Rejection therapy-based interventions boost your assertiveness in real-life situations like interviews, negotiations and difficult conversations. You can become more comfortable putting yourself out there, even when outcomes are uncertain.

Rejection always stings. It’s uncomfortable to ask for something and be turned down or to seek acceptance and fall short. However, every time you open yourself up to a possibility, there’s always chance you might get a “yes,” no matter how small. Rejection therapy is a glass half-full approach to life, a reminder that rejection is not the end of the world.

How deserving do you think you are of love and respect from others? Take this science-backed test to find out: Rosenberg’s Self-Esteem Scale