3 Ways To Reclaim Your Agency In Relationships, By A Psychologist

Many people come to therapy wondering, “How did I end up feeling so far from myself?” This internal disconnect can also sound like, “I don’t know what I want anymore” or “I feel like I’m always performing.”

This disconnection from the self usually doesn’t come from one big moment. It’s often the result of small, repeated choices wherein you find yourself saying “yes” when you meant “no” or being the person who always adjusts.

Over time, you stop checking in with yourself, maybe because you feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. You focus so much on keeping things smooth around you that your own thoughts and feelings start to fade into the background.

A sense of agency, according to research, is defined as the feeling that “I am the one who is causing or generating an action.” In relationships, however, agency is more about making choices. It’s about knowing that your needs and voice have value and that you matter.

If you’ve started to feel disconnected from yourself in a relationship, it may be time to check back in.

Here are three strategies to help you reconnect with yourself and show up in your relationships with more clarity and honesty.

1. Separate Connection From Compliance

We often assume that if there is harmony in our relationship, it must be healthy. This is a common assumption among individuals who’ve grown up in homes where love felt conditional or conflict didn’t feel safe.

In a dysfunctional family set up, staying agreeable often becomes a way to stay connected, even if it means disconnecting from yourself.

But research shows that not all “giving” in relationships comes from the same place, and not all of it supports our well-being. A two-part study on unmitigated communion (UC) — the tendency to prioritize others while neglecting one’s own needs — distinguishes between self-oriented and other-oriented motivations behind this behavior.

While both involve putting others first, self-oriented UC is driven by anxiety, shame and a fear of abandonment, reflecting a negative view of the self and a compulsive need to please.

Interestingly, the study found that people high in self-oriented UC experienced instability not only in their human relationships but also in their relationship with God. This meant that they also experienced anxiety about being rejected or unloved even by a higher power.

This suggests that when our urge to care for others is driven by insecurity, it undermines our very sense of being worthy of love.

The study’s findings are an invitation to understand the deeper “why” behind our actions in relationships. Ask yourself: “Am I acting from genuine care or from fear, guilt or a longing to be accepted?”

Instead of jumping to a quick “yes” in relationships, experiment with responses that give you room to breathe. For example, “I’ll need a moment to think about that” or “Can I get back to you?”

It may look like a small shift but it creates a significant space to notice whether your agreement is coming from connection or from fear. And that awareness is the first step toward more grounded, authentic ways of relating.

2. Reverse The Role You Didn’t Know You Were Playing

Many of us unconsciously take on roles in our relationships that aren’t explicitly assigned to us, but are shaped by our early childhood or other relational experiences. Examples of such roles could be that of the peacekeeper, the caretaker or simply put, the one who always says “yes,” just to keep the peace.

However, the problem is that the longer we perform these roles, the more enmeshed they become with our identity, making it harder for us to step out of them without resistance. Over time, others might come to expect us to show up in those familiar, accommodating ways.

And because it feels predictable and probably even rewarded in certain relationships, it’s easy to settle and believe that that’s what you bring to the table in a relationship.

Research, however, shows how this can drain your emotional reserves. A 2019 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin drawing on self-determination and family systems theories, found that while our need for closeness can predict healthy behaviors like being accommodating, this only leads to better relationships when autonomy is also high.

This means that connection feels good when you’re allowed to be yourself and make decisions for yourself. Without autonomy, even intimacy can start to feel like pressure or performance.

So, if you find yourself over-accommodating, ask:

• What role am I repeatedly slipping into?
• Who benefits from this version of me?
• What truth do I avoid by staying here?

Breaking these patterns isn’t easy and often means disappointing others or disrupting dynamics that have been in place for a long time. But that discomfort is part of the growth necessary to redefine the connection without breaking it or losing yourself.

3. Reorient Your Inner Compass

When your sense of agency begins to take a hit, it doesn’t always announce itself with big, dramatic moments. More often, it shows up as quietly as a vague numbness, a growing disconnection from yourself or the feeling of moving through life on autopilot. It’s almost as if you are living for others, instead of simply co-existing.

You’ll know this is happening when you start adjusting your tone, softening your truths, reshaping your identity or downplaying your needs constantly — all to keep things comfortable for others.

A series of studies published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, exploring the concept of the “Authentic Inner Compass” — a person’s sense of clarity around what truly matters to them in terms of core values and goals — found that individuals with a strong authentic inner compass experience greater vitality, higher self-esteem and lower levels of depression over time. But more importantly, it found that well-being was most strongly tied to “behavioral self-realization,” or the extent to which a person lives in alignment with their inner compass.

In other words, it’s not just about knowing what you believe. It’s about having the freedom and willingness to act on it.

So, reclaiming agency requires more than just setting boundaries with others. It begins with telling yourself the truth and noticing when your choices are designed to avoid discomfort instead of expressing who you are. A simple self-inquiry practice can help you get started. For one week, keep a record of the moments you:

• Say “yes” when you meant “no”
• Edit your truth to keep the peace
• Shift your expression to avoid someone’s reaction

Be gentle and non-judgmental with yourself while noticing these patterns. At the end of the week, reflect further: “If I weren’t protecting anyone else’s comfort, what would I have said or done differently?”

The moment you begin asking, “Is this true for me?” instead of “Will they approve?” you’re not just reclaiming agency; you’re reinforcing the very psychological structures that support long-term well-being.

Wondering how often you show up as your real self in relationships? Take the research-backed Authenticity In Relationships Scale test to reflect.