3 Questions That Can Instantly Defuse Any Argument, By A Psychologist

Couples who ask these three deceptively simple questions tend to emerge from a conflict with a stronger bond.

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Any relationship worth its salt goes through ebbs and flows of seasons, both good and bad. Conflict is inevitable, whether it’s a disagreement on moving cities, a misunderstanding due to different communication styles or the same old “Why don’t you help more around the house?”

But how these fights are handled and what happens after almost always decides the fate and trajectory of your relationship — whether it’ll last or fizzle out after a couple more fights.

Even if you’re deeply in love, your emotions can be intense during critical moments. This can shift the dynamic into a “you vs me” battle when it should remain an “us vs the problem” approach.

Even during the peak of any argument, you are a team and should work toward a solution rather than break each other apart. These three questions aim to remind you that you are fighting for your relationship, not against it.

1. ‘Do You Truly Feel Like I Am Listening To You?’

The majority of relationship problems arise when one partner doesn’t feel seen, heard or understood. No matter how many times or in how many ways one tries to express themselves, the other person sometimes just doesn’t seem to “get it.” And the signs aren’t always as obvious as we might assume.

In moments like this, pause, calm yourself and take turns asking each other, “Does it feel like I’m really listening to you? If not, what can I do right now to make you feel truly heard?” This simple question shows that you care and are willing to work through tough moments actively.

Instead of slipping into an adrenaline-fueled defensive mode or going on the attack, you are gently reminded that you and your partner are on the same team, working toward a solution. No matter how it feels in the heat of the moment, your partner is not your enemy.

A 2024 study published in Current Psychology identified three key strategies people commonly use to make their partner feel better. The first is valuing, which means expressing appreciation for their partner. The second is humor or making the partner laugh. The third and one of the most essential is receptive listening, which involves encouraging a partner to share their honest feelings and making them genuinely feel heard.

2. ‘How Would You Feel In My Place?’

During heated arguments, egos clash and it becomes easy to forget that you are fighting with someone you love. This is the same person who stays up late by your bedside when you are sick, reminds you to take your lunch when you’re running late, picks up groceries when you are too busy and does a million little things that make life easier and more beautiful.

However, in moments of conflict, all you can recall is every single time they’ve wronged you, how it felt to be in those situations and how you would never want to find yourself there again. The narrative shifts into “me vs you.”

But, when you put pride aside and ask each other, “How would you feel in my place?” not with the sting of emotion but with a softer tone and genuine curiosity, you give your relationship a fighting chance to truly understand each other’s perspectives and reach a compromise.

Another 2024 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology ran three studies to see whether perspective taking helps buffer negative behaviors during relationship conflicts. They found that across all studies, participants who took their partner’s perspective behaved less hurtfully, less critically and less distantly during arguments.

Usually, when one partner lashes out, the other responds in kind. But people high in perspective taking were less likely to escalate the conflict or react negatively to their partner’s responses.

Even when researchers accounted for relationship satisfaction, commitment level, self-esteem and attachment insecurity, the effect of perspective taking still held meaning. It wasn’t just that people in great relationships acted less critically. It was the act of perspective taking itself that made the most difference.

3. ‘What Can We Both Do To Make This Feel Less Hurtful?’

Arguments are messy; both sides get hurt and no one comes out as a victor. When things get heated, one or both partners may lose their tempers, which results in shouting matches, slammed doors or worse, days of silence and many late nights spent wondering, “Are you doing okay?” without any definitive answers.

Research indicates that couples who engage in fighting with empathy are not only emotionally better off, but it also calms their physical stress reactions. In a 2014 study, researchers discovered that partners who managed to resolve conflicts in healthier ways showed lower physiological stress, evidenced by lower skin conductance, heart rate stability and relaxed biofeedback during heated exchanges.

So, by interrupting the fight mid-stream and asking each other, “How do we make this less hurtful to both of us?” what you are really doing is:

• Creating a space that feels emotionally safer for each other.
• Letting the other person know that you still care.
• Becoming more receptive and solution-oriented as a team.

Asking any one or even all three of these questions can stop any argument in its tracks, and make it a more constructive, loving conversation.

Make it a habit to ask these questions of your partner when you feel like an argument is brewing. Over time, it’ll makes you more responsive to each other, and less likely to react impulsively in a fight. Most of all, it’ll help you remember that the two of you are a unit.

Take this science-backed test to discover how effectively you listen and respond, and whether others truly feel heard by you: Active-Empathic Listening Scale