2 Simple Mindsets That Make Or Break A Relationship, By A Psychologist

New research reveals the chain-reaction effect that your mindset can have on your sex life and, in turn, your relationship and life satisfaction. Here’s how.

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Are you inclined to believe that some relationships are simply “meant to be”? That fate has already predetermined whether or not they’ll work out? Or do you believe the opposite: that love only lasts if both partners ensure it through their efforts? Psychological researchers refer to these mindsets respectively as “destiny beliefs” and “growth beliefs.”

Through a similar lens, consider your motivations within your relationship. Are you more inclined to act within your relationship for the sake of improving your relationship? Or, contrastingly, do you act more so to avoid negative consequences? These frameworks are known as “approach goals” and “avoidance goals.”

Various studies have shown growth beliefs to be far more commonly associated with positive long-term relationship outcomes than destiny beliefs. The same has been shown for approach versus avoidance goals; approach goals are consistently associated with more favorable relationship outcomes overall.

That said, little else is known about how these beliefs and goals interact in the more intricate domains of romantic life, especially when it comes to sex. To address these gaps in literature, researchers Melanie A. Reyes and Eddie M. Clark, in a May 2025 study published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy, compared these beliefs and goals with nearly 200 U.S couples’ sexual and life satisfaction.

Based on the 2025 study’s findings, here’s how your beliefs and goals could be shaping your sex life — and, in turn, your relationship.

1. Destiny Versus Growth Beliefs

Reyes and Clark were most interested in uncovering, in relation to these frameworks, whether or not sexual satisfaction would give rise to greater overall life satisfaction. And, in alignment with much of the existing research on growth versus destiny beliefs, the 2025 study revealed a significant difference in sexual and life satisfaction between people who endorsed them.

Specifically, those who endorsed the idea that sex is either effortlessly good or doomed from start to end had little to no connection between their sexual satisfaction and their overall life satisfaction.

In other words, destiny believers’ sexual satisfaction had no outward effect on their life or relationship overall — not even good sex. Meanwhile, those with sexual growth beliefs, who saw intimacy as something that can be worked on and improved, did show a positive link.

On paper, this might not seem significant. But in an actual relationship, these beliefs have consequences that do not limit themselves to the bedroom.

For instance, if sex feels awkward or mismatched, someone with destiny beliefs might simply take it as a sign that they’re not compatible with their partner sexually; in turn, they may accept unsatisfying sex as the norm. Because they believe satisfaction is about fate rather than effort, they have neither the motivation nor the reason to attempt to improve things.

Simultaneously, and somewhat ironically, when these couples do have a decent sex life, there’s a similar lack of payoff. Since they view good sex as something that’s either “meant to be” or not, they’re less likely to experience the emotional benefits of a healthy sex life — as they merely take satisfying sex for granted.

However, when unpaired with satisfaction, these beliefs can lead to serious doubts about the relationship in its entirety. Given that they may start viewing themselves as inherently and irreparably sexually incompatible to their partner, they may not see any reason to fight for the relationship further.

Contrastingly, couples who lean on sexual growth beliefs would much prefer to take an active and agentive approach to their sex life. If things feel off, they aren’t likely to resort to black-or-white thinking, nor to assume that the matter is simply out of their hands. Instead, they take dissatisfaction as a sign that there’s just a bit of work to be done to get to the place they’d like to be in the bedroom.

In turn, they have conversations and get experimental. And when those tweaks prove fruitful, newfound satisfaction spills over into the rest of the relationship. Since they can clearly see a link between their efforts and their pleasure, the payoff of joy and a sense of possibility extends much further than just the bedroom.

By and large, these findings suggest that viewing sexual satisfaction as something that can grow can feed into couples’ senses of closeness and happiness — even outside of sexual situations. By viewing it as predetermined, however, difficulties are significantly more likely to feel like dead ends.

2. Approach Versus Avoidance Goals

Reyes and Clark also found that the motivations partners carry with them into the bedroom matter just as much as their beliefs. Specifically, couples who endorsed approach goals reported better outcomes than those with avoidance goals — meaning that having sex with a positive goal in mind leads to far greater outcomes than having sex simply to avoid conflict.

In this sense, “I want to feel closer to my partner,” or “I want to make my partner feel good” prove far more beneficial than, “I’ll just initiate it so that they won’t be upset later,” or “I don’t want to make my partner feel rejected, so I’ll relent.”

Consider, for example, two partners with a habit of initiating sex purely because they want to feel closer to one another in an emotional sense, or out of excitement to explore new things with each other.

Even if their sexual endeavors aren’t always perfect, the tone thereof will still remain positive overall. Their true goals, when jointly and happily embraced, will result in a net positive regardless of the sex itself; the intentions behind the act itself are what matter most in this case.

In great contrast, partners who opt for avoidance goals are likely to approach intimacy with more pragmatic intentions. They might agree to sex (even if they don’t really want to, or aren’t quite ready) to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings. They might even initiate sex they’re reluctant to have for the very same reasons.

But the partner being indulged will be none the wiser to the other’s true feelings. Things might seem perfectly fine at face value, given the lack of rejection and the presence of physical intimacy. But underneath, sex will start to lose its true joy and meaning — as it wasn’t approached with wholesome intentions by both partners in the first place.

Putting Your Own Mindset Under The Microscope

Few people take the time to examine the beliefs and goals they carry with them into the bedroom. Many also treat their beliefs as a core and unchangeable aspect of their personality. But, as research shows, these beliefs and goals could be impacting various moving parts within your relationship.

Consider your current views on sex, or even love as a whole. Do you think intimacy is something that should “just work” between you and your partner? Or do you accept it as something that you have stakes in — that you can improve with time and energy?

When you initiate or respond to sexual advances, is it with closeness and joy in mind? Or is your main priority ensuring that all parts of your relationship, regardless of your feelings, are well-maintained?

If one of these habits or beliefs is holding you back from experiencing greater joy in any area of your love life, there’s no reason that it has to stay that way. In the same way our personalities and bodies evolve over time, so can our internal thinking patterns.

A person who once leaned heavily on destiny beliefs can learn to see sex as something to be nurtured, in the exact same way that someone who often operates from avoidance can begin to pursue intimacy with happiness in mind. Changes like these must, however, start with awareness. And that awareness can only be gained if you’re willing to take a closer look at yourself.

Are your beliefs and goals impacting your sexual satisfaction? Take this science-backed test to find out: Sexual Satisfaction Index