2 Reasons Why Marriage Isn’t ‘Automatic Commitment,’ By A Psychologist

Marriage isn’t the gold standard for relationship stability anymore. This science-backed study explains why.

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You may be in a long-term relationship, but perhaps still haven’t proposed or, conversely, been proposed to. You might see those around you talking about engagement and their plans once they get married, yet here you are, still wondering how strong your relationship is.

But what constitutes relationship strength? Is marriage the ultimate determinant of commitment?

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Family Studies conducted an in-depth qualitative exploration in England to find out how couples show their commitment to each other. Researchers interviewed 10 long-term couples, who have been together for over 15 years, to challenge the traditional assumption that marriage equals stronger commitment. Participants include same-sex, opposite-sex, married, civil partners and cohabiting couples.

For centuries, marriage has been perceived as the ultimate symbol of commitment. But the definition of commitment is shifting as more couples choose nonmarital cohabitation, and as relationships become increasingly individualized.

Here are two key reasons why commitment today isn’t confined to marriage:

1. Commitment Is A Mindset

Cristiano Ronaldo got engaged to his long-time partner, Georgina Rodríguez, this year. But for close to a decade, he was hesitant to put the ring on her finger. Ronaldo said, in an interview, that he wanted to feel “the click” before he got married, despite being with Georgina for so long.

Like him, many couples prefer to wait until they know for sure that marriage is what they want. However, cohabitation without marriage does not necessarily imply that partners are less invested in a relationship. In fact, the 2021 study found that many cohabitants displayed the same level of loyalty and long-term dedication as married couples do.

Although participants had differing levels of sexual interest, one thing most couples preferred to have was sexual exclusivity. Moreover, the majority of interviewees’ notions of a relationship were defined by the idea of “give and take.”

“You can’t have a relationship that’s one-sided, it has to have both people in it,” one participant explained, highlighting the importance of both partners being there for each other during tough times. They also stressed the necessity of ensuring that chores were divided fairly on the basis of individual abilities, likes, dislikes and availability of time.

However, one thing that all individuals and couples in the study shared was their idea of commitment.

They described commitment as sticking together through thick and thin, and as having the tenacity to work through difficulties. Two couples in the study even did couples’ counselling to work through their issues.

One respondent, who experienced a tragedy with their partner, explained, “Certainly, at the time of the fire, I am sure that brought us closer together because it was such a calamitous thing … we wanted to bring the house back to life as it had been and so we knew what we were aiming at.”

Not everyone dealt with relationship stressors the same way. One person, who was in pain from losing a parent, found that their partner was not “As sympathetic as he could have been … it wasn’t so much that he was insensitive, it was just that he thought life had to go on, and the quicker I got back into a routine, the better,” they said. Couples in such situations had to adapt to one another’s coping styles, and draw boundaries with each other to strengthen their relationship.

These narratives, according to the researchers, suggest that a mindset of commitment helps couples get through during periods of adversity. This mindset encompasses perseverance, loyalty, embracing differences, displaying an openness to personal growth and strong conflict-resolution skills, including the willingness to seek help when necessary.

This shows that commitment is not always based on wedding vows or legal contracts; rather, it stems from a culmination of skills and choosing your partner every day.

So, focus on nurturing the relationship’s growth, rather than simply meeting a predetermined timeline for marriage, because your mindset reflects your commitment far better than a signed marriage contract does.

2. Modern Commitment Values Autonomy And Equality

Most couples in the study valued independence and equality. For example, when it came to finances, eight couples prioritized economic independence and proportionate contributions to joint expenses. These couples managed their finances with separate accounts, to have autonomy over their money.

Other couples, conversely, discussed combining their resources but decided to go with separate accounts because it gave them “a certain amount of freedom.” Only one couple put everything “in one pot.”

Today’s couples are redefining what it means to be “in it for the long haul.” Many value independence and personal growth as much as togetherness. Moreover, they do not believe that you have to stay in a relationship out of a sense of moral obligation.

“If you’re not happy and you are not getting what you want out of the relationship, then either try and make it right or leave,” one participant said.

This isn’t to say marriage holds no meaning or promises, but it is no longer the only way couples express long-term dedication. The way to show that you care about your partner is through consistent emotional investment and availability, honoring their love language and showing them that you’re not going anywhere.

However, if marriage is still what you want, discuss it with your partner early on, possibly before you live with them, to avoid misunderstandings in the future. Ultimately, your values, ethics and end goals should be similar, even if they’re not exactly the same.

Being in a healthy relationship still means that you will face periods of uncertainty and stress. But you can power through these phases with a strong foundation of commitment.

As you age and your relationship moves forward, you might find that your definition of commitment evolves over time; but maintaining a shared sense of responsibility and intention with one another can keep you united for years to come.

Are you happy with the level of commitment in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale