3 Ways To Make Sex More Romantic In A Relationship, By A Psychologist

For many people, sex is only a source of pleasure. But how many of us have thought it to be an opportunity to connect deeply, beyond physical intimacy?

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Sex, as opposed to popular understanding, is far more than physical pleasure. It’s a complex interplay of emotional safety, attachment needs, nervous system responses and interpersonal attunement. When looked with awareness, sex becomes an opportunity for deeper connection, beyond physical pleasure.

Have you ever felt, or known anyone who may have felt disconnected from a partner, even if momentarily, despite having great physical intimacy? It’s no surprise that many couples start feeling like their intimate life is mechanical or disconnected over time, due to factors like stress, fatigue, unresolved conflicts or past experiences. These can create barriers, preventing sexual encounters from being emotionally satisfying.

What throws people off guard is that romantic and intimate sex doesn’t simply “happen.” Because much like love, you need to cultivate it through trust-building, nervous system regulation, communication and shared meaning-making.

Here are three actionable ways to create a deeper sense of romance and intimacy in sexual relationships.

1. Care For Your Nervous Systems Before You Touch

Intimacy is deeply influenced by how regulated both partners feel both physiologically and emotionally. When one or both individuals are in a heightened state of arousal (marked by fear, anxiety or stress) the body shifts into survival mode. In this state, the nervous system’s fight-or-flight response takes priority, inhibiting relaxation, pleasure and trust, which make for the key ingredients of romantic connection.

When partners are close, they also tend to mirror each other’s nervous systems. If one partner feels unsafe or tense, the other’s system often reacts similarly, making it difficult for either to fully relax and engage in closeness. This is because in such states, the body’s biological systems are geared toward protection, not connection.

A 2013 study published in Psychological Science involving married couples found that people with higher attachment anxiety produced significantly more cortisol and had lower counts of essential immune cells. Elevated cortisol leads to weakened immune function, suggesting the strong linkage between chronic stress and attachment anxiety, which not only disrupts emotional closeness but also carries tangible health costs.

So, when anxiety and stress dominate our nervous system, and the body’s protective mechanisms interfere with the capacity to connect with touch while being present, here’s how you can co-regulate:

• Synchronize your breath. Breathe in unison. Hold each other’s hands and inhale slowly for 4 seconds, hold for 7 and exhale for 8 seconds together. This patterned breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system.
• Consider eye gazing. Softly gaze into each other’s eyes without speaking for 2-3 minutes. Eye contact enhances oxytocin release, furthering a strong connection and reducing anxiety.
• Incorporate self-soothing touch. Place a hand on your own heart or abdomen, regulating breath and body sensations before gradually extending the touch to the other. Emotional self-regulation is equally as important as reinforcing safety in the relationship.

2. Touch For Emotional Connection, Not Just For Sensual Stimulation

Touch used as a form of emotional communication helps regulate stress by conveying empathy. There is ample research showing that affectionate touch can reduce cortisol levels, lower blood pressure and enhance feelings of attachment, providing a physiological foundation for connection.

A recent integrative review sheds light on the central role of affective touch in shaping our stress-response systems and social relationships. The review argues that affective touch (gentle and emotionally attuned physical contact) is a fundamental mechanism through which close relationships influence health and well-being.

So, touch is not merely a soothing gesture but an active ingredient in shaping how attachment bonds are formed, sustained and repaired (in case of any rupture) across the lifespan.

The issue is that when touch is used purely for stimulation, this deeper communicative function is often overlooked. On the other hand, touch that reflects empathy, reassurance or presence, communicates what words sometimes cannot. This helps partners feel truly seen and soothed, and adds long term security.

To use touch as emotional language, try the following:

• Consider emotion-mapping exercises. One of you can start by stating your current emotion such as “I feel anxious” or “I feel excited,” and the other responds with a touch that mirrors or soothes that feeling. For example, a firm hug for reassurance or a gentle caress on the arm can be used to signal comfort.
• Be mindful of the pressure. Explore variations in touch to discover how different sensations affect emotional states. Each of us have sensory preferences that can either relax or overwhelm us. There is no one-size-fits all approach. Realizing this strengthens attunement.
• Have at least one non-sexual touch ritual. Dedicate time to touching each other’s arms, rubbing each other’s backs or just firmly holding hands as a reassuring act — with no focus on sexual arousal. This practice helps build trust and train the body to associate touch with safety and care.

3. Honor ‘Non-Doing’ As Sacred

Have you ever noticed how co-presence, that is, simply being with another person (without distraction or expectation) makes you so deeply connected to your partner? It signals that connection doesn’t have to be built on activity or words, and that presence alone can be enough.

According to a 2024 study, silence that is chosen intentionally, for connection or reflection, (also called “intrinsically motivated silence”) is linked to more positive emotions, deeper closeness and greater fulfillment of psychological needs. Silence teaches partners to rest in each other’s presence without needing to perform to prove love.

Here’s how you can cultivate intentional, meaning-filled moments of quiet together:

• The silent touch meditation. Start by lying down side by side without moving for several minutes. Focus on body sensations, breath and presence without attempting to initiate contact. Feel it all.
• Post-intimacy pause. After sex, remain close, eyes closed and refrain from moving or speaking. This quiet settling phase allows the nervous system to downshift and reinforces feelings of safety and connection. Go ahead and hug if that would add on a layer of security.
• Sacred gratitude practice. Before or after intimacy, hold hands and whisper into each other’s ears (to make it more intimate) what you appreciate about each other in the moment. This ritual grounds intimacy in mutual care.

Romance and intimacy don’t just happen. They are choices we make daily, in how we touch, speak, breathe and listen to each other, even without saying a word.

Wondering if your sex life could benefit from something deeper? Take the science-backed Sexual Satisfaction Index to find out.