Survey results reveal what arguments look like for the average American couple. Do these topics crop up in your relationship too?
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Some couples bicker for the better part of their time together. Others may prefer to simmer in silence until something like a misplaced sock becomes a referendum on the relationship as a whole. Conflict, in its many shapes and sizes, is par for the course in intimacy.
For this reason, psychologists rarely concern themselves with whether or not couples fight anymore; all signs point to the fact that conflict exists in some way or another in a majority of relationships. Rather, modern researchers are more interested in what couples are fighting about, as well as why those topics hit such a nerve.
According to a 2022 YouGov survey, these are the five most frequent flashpoints in modern American relationships. Here’s a breakdown of each — from the fifth to the number one greatest romantic irritant.
5. Family
Family, whether nuclear or extended, is perhaps one of the oldest and most enduring points of contention in romantic partnerships throughout history.
These arguments tend to differ in specifics from couple to couple, but you’ll often notice some common threads. For some, it’s in-laws. For others, it’s differences in opinions on raising kids. Some might argue about spending too little time with their relatives, while others may feel that they’re becoming overinvolved within the relationship.
While these disputes often seem to be about family values, in most cases, this is a facade. Arguments about family involvement (or, in some cases, a lack thereof) are, at their core, really just debates on autonomy and boundaries. Too much advice, prying or involvement — even if it’s well-intentioned — can leave couples feeling as though their unity is being threatened.
4. Chores
It’s not at all surprising that household chores are consistently cited as a major source of conflict in modern romantic relationships. They have been for decades, and likely will for the foreseeable future.
Disagreements about the dishes or an unfolded pile of laundry may seem trivial at face value. But anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship can attest to the fact that chores carry an incredibly profound and heavy symbolic weight. This is because chores are perhaps the best measure of fairness, equality and respect you can get within a romantic relationship.
If one partner feels that they’re left to do a majority of the chores at home, with little to no help, then arguments about chores aren’t actually about chores. Nine times out of ten, these arguments serve to bring to light what the chores represent: feeling fundamentally undervalued and unsupported within a relationship.
3. Communication Styles
Interestingly, these arguments aren’t limited to a specific topic at all. Rather, it comes down to the way in which partners bring up these topics. These differences in communication styles can manifest in various ways, for instance:
- One partner may enjoy discussing things directly, whereas the other only brings things up indirectly.
- One partner might be very expressive in revealing their concerns, whereas the other might be very reserved.
- One partner might prefer to get to the bottom of things as soon as they happen, whereas the other might prefer to delay certain conversations in favor of processing everything first.
Partners who differ in these preferences may feel offended or misunderstood by one another, as they might not agree in terms of the structuring of the conversation. In turn, the argument may then devolve into a matter of how they decided to air their grievances — the timing, the directness, the words they used — rather than the grievance in and of itself.
2. Money
Money is another one of the most well-documented sources of conflict in relationships, irrespective of couples’ income levels.
Since both high- and low-earning couples have been observed to argue frequently about finances, you can easily surmise that these disputes are very rarely about the literal numbers you can see on their bank statements. Instead, they usually represent partners’ anxieties about their security, their freedom and their social identity or status.
You, for instance, might see spending as something to readily and regularly enjoy. Your partner, in contrast, might see saving as a top priority and safety measure. These differences usually stem from our upbringing. In turn, partners with differing backgrounds or relationships with money may find themselves frequently butting heads in this regard.
1. Tone
Once again, the most common trigger for fights for American couples isn’t a specific topic or talking point in particular. While these arguments may well have started out as a conversation about one of the abovementioned themes, the tone partners use when talking to one another eventually becomes the most pressing issue at hand.
Since your tone of voice can convey your emotional intent more powerfully than your actual spoken words, these arguments tend to come down to delivery. A kind tone versus a sharp one makes or breaks whether a grievance sounds like a genuine concern or a hostile criticism.
As 2022 research included in a chapter from Nonverbal Communications in Close Relationships notes, we humans are incredibly sensitive to the communication cues that accompany speech — like body language, eye movements, the space between two people and, of course, tone of voice. Things like sarcasm, sighing, scoffing or shouting can very quickly activate a “threat response” within us. That is, the way someone’s words sound can feel almost more antagonizing than their word choice alone.
In this sense, as soon as the tone of conflict becomes contemptuous or hostile, the argument will immediately shift away from whatever the original issue at hand was. Instead, “Don’t talk to me like that” becomes the more pressing concern.
Do you argue in circles with your partner? Take this science-backed test to find out if your “arguing style” could be to blame: Ineffective Arguing Inventory