If the first message you get from someone you matched with on a dating app leaves you speechless, hopefully it’s because you’re wowed by their good looks, witticisms, curious mind, and articulate nature.
If that sounds painfully naive, welcome to the apps in modern dating culture. The daters Julie Nguyen works with are more likely to be floored by the laziness, spelling errors, and sheer audacity of the people on the other end. “It’s a numbers game, so it’s really easy to just be like, ‘OK, I’m going to say something really quick and really generic because I’m going to be talking to a lot of people,’” says Nguyen, a relationship expert with the dating app Hily (Hey, I Like You). The worst messages, she adds, are usually short, boring, riddled with typos and grammar mistakes, or way too forward. They don’t invite any real depth, instead coming across as copied-and-pasted lines sent to everyone else on your match’s roster.
A thoughtful, sincere, and personalized message, on the other hand, is much more likely to lead to a conversation—and perhaps even a date. Getting a message like this is “such a relief,” Nguyen says. “The opening message really, really matters on dating apps.”
We asked Nguyen and other experts to share the worst opening messages to send on a dating app—plus what to say instead.
“Hey” or “Hi”
Sending a grand total of two or three letters to your match doesn’t tend to spell happily ever after. As an opening message, a simple hello is “generic laziness that screams, ‘I’m copy-pasting this to everyone and can’t be bothered making an effort with you,’” says Rhiannon DuBois, a clinical psychologist and founder of Heartbreaks & Retakes, which provides counseling for women navigating the end of a relationship. “It gives the receiver nothing to work with. It’s like, do they just respond ‘hey’ in response, or do they have to take on the labor of making conversation?”
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“Hi” messages are so common that Michelle Herzog, a relationship therapist in Chicago, recommends a templated response to clients on the receiving end: “What about my profile made you say hello?” “It’s an invitation, and it’s a chance,” she says. “You’re giving them a chance to redeem themselves—and it’s also a really good filter, because if they don’t come back with something of value,” you can quickly and assuredly cut your losses.
“You’re hot”
This message—and its equally common, grammatically incorrect cousin, “Your so hot”—reduces someone to their appearance and suggests you’re only after one thing. “It’s very objectifying and inappropriate for a first message,” DuBois says. “It shows no respect. If your intention is a long-term relationship or even marriage, then that’s not the best approach.”
There is a way, she adds, to give a match a genuine compliment. “Keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be about their looks,” she says. Telling someone that it’s obvious they’re an involved parent or great dog mom, for example, “shows that you’ve seen them beyond their photos.”
“[Redacted overly sexual innuendo]”
Skip the overtly sexual or physical message; there’s a high likelihood it won’t go over well. That’s true even if you’re just looking for a hookup. “When you open that way, especially if it’s a man messaging a woman, for a lot of women it’s an immediate turn-off,” Herzog says. “It creates safety issues for people, and it’s nonconsensual, like, ‘I haven’t consented to you saying this nasty thing to me.’”
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If you’re only interested in a physical encounter, she advises making that clear on your profile. That way, potential matches will be on the same page, and you’ll know you’re both looking for the same thing.
“I don’t really date brunettes, but you’re hot”
There’s a curious trend experts have noticed on dating apps: negging, or sending backhanded compliments or even straight-up insults designed to make the recipient seek validation. Telling someone they’re not usually your type comes across as though you’re suggesting they should be grateful you’re doing them the favor of giving them a chance.
If you get a message like this, Herzog recommends ignoring it. “I wouldn’t want my husband to talk to me like that,” she says. “I wouldn’t entertain it.”
“What are you doing right now?”
You wouldn’t walk up to a stranger at a bar and greet them by asking them what they were doing, Herzog points out. So don’t do it online, either. “These are people who aren’t taking dating very seriously,” she says. What should you say if you’re on the receiving end? Keep it short: “I like to be like, ‘Why?’” Herzog says. “‘What about me is encouraging you to send this message?’”
“Why are you on here?”
There’s no point in asking a potential match why they’re single. “It’s like, ‘Why are you single?’” Herzog says. “Is it because you’re asking this question?” There’s no substance to it; it’s not going to elicit some kind of meaningful, self-aware disclosure, especially as an introduction. Plus, “It puts someone immediately on defense, because it’s kind of judgy,” she says.
What to say instead
The best opening messages show genuine interest and thoughtfulness. They’re personalized, friendly, and flirty without crossing any lines, Nguyen says, and show you’re interested in a natural, organic way, without feeling performative. Here are a few expert-backed tips:
Try a question and a comment
Before sending a message, take the time to actually read someone’s profile and click through their photos. Then comment on something you saw—and ask a question about it. Instead of just saying “you’re cute,” for example, Nguyen suggests an approach like this: “I see you love going to concerts! That photo of you at the festival looks amazing. What’s the best show you’ve been to recently?” Open-ended questions are far more likely to secure a response than statements or simple yes-or-no queries.
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It’s also a good idea to share something about yourself—like which artist you just snagged tickets to see. “It can change the dynamic of the conversation into something a lot deeper and make the person feel a spark of interest,” she says. “If you show genuine curiosity and bring that into an opening message, you’ll be more successful than most people are.”
Lean into your playful side
Show your personality, DuBois advises: Being light and flirty works well to open conversations, and often leads to fun banter. If you’re not sure if your message is hitting the mark, ask a friend or someone else you trust before pressing send.
Match their energy level
If someone’s profile hints that they’re reserved, don’t go overboard with exclamation points and an exuberant first message. “People need to feel comfortable and safe,” DuBois says. “If you were meeting someone in person, you’d try and match their energy level.”
Give voice messages a spin
Some apps allow users to send and receive voice messages. DuBois jokes that she exploited her Australian accent on the men of Texas when she was on dating apps. (She ended up meeting her husband on Bumble.) Your voice can add personality and warmth that written text doesn’t match. “It’s another level of engagement—another sensory experience they have with you,” she says. Of course, the standard rules apply: “You’ve got to be tasteful,” DuBois adds. “But I do think it stands out.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email [email protected]