Why England and India need big nuts for the Test series, not soft balls
There’s nothing the Light Roller likes more than panto season – especially when it arrives during the height of the English Test summer. England versus India began with lots of apparent bonhomie between the teams – most international players are IPL frat bros, one way or another, these days – so the introduction of a little niggle, the grit in the Lord’s oyster, was timely.
Nobody threw any jellybeans, which is a pity, but there was lots of finger-pointing, verbal battles and crowd involvement as both sides sought an extra edge. We often talk about the “theatre” of Test cricket, which is presumed to mean heroic exploits, epic plotlines and grandiloquent stanzas of play. But it’s also worth getting in the popcorn when players start prancing around like they’re putting on Dick Whittington at the Bedford Corn Exchange.
The first shouts of “He’s behind you!” might have begun with England’s cute ploy of bringing the keeper up to the stumps in order to stop the Shubman Gill run machine in its tracks. But Gill then assumed centre stage during a fractious mini-mini-session at the end of day three, yelling at Zak Crawley to “grow some f***ing balls” and then miming for an impact substitute (back to the IPL again) when the England opener opted for the blatant time-wasting tactic of calling on the physio after a ball hit the middle of his bat.
Perhaps, given the problems with the Dukes balls in this series, Gill was just trying to come up with a practical solution. Of all the England players, Crawley most looks like a member of the landowning class who might be able to dedicate farming resource to cultivating some sort of new-age alternative to cork and leather.
Okay, so it’s more likely he was talking about cojones, certainly giving the accompanying hand gestures. And while Lord’s might be an improbable venue to stage a royal rumble – even with Alex Carey’s underhand/underarm antics to stir things up – there was an air of WWE to proceedings as Mohammed Siraj played to his “heel” status, copping a fine for his efforts, and Washington Sundar baited all and sundry with some ballsy chat of his own.
To cap it all off, England tore up the saintly playbook they have adhered to under Brendon McCullum in order to generate a last-day atmosphere that harked back to the time when men were men and teams bowled 100 overs in a day. Then, when the dust settled, there were handshakes and hugs, solemn gestures of respect and brotherly love between combatants. Which is fine, so long as they go back to the Punch and Judy stuff when the series resumes at Old Trafford next week.
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“New balls, please!” It’s been Wimbledon fortnight, but nowhere has the demand for a replacement batch of projectiles been louder than at Test matches in England. The Dukes ball, as mentioned, apparently goes soft quicker than a millennial faced with an awkward social situation, and needs to be changed more often than Gen Z change their pronouns. Is this because the cricket balls of today can’t withstand a little corporal punishment? Are the cows of Brexit Britain no longer the leathery leaders in their field? Maybe it’s another symptom of the inexorable decline of Western liberal values? Answers on a postcard to the ECB. `
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Of all the things we were not expecting to write about this month, the question of whether Wiaan Mulder should have backed himself to go on and break Brian Lara’s record for the highest individual score in Test history would be right at the top of the list (or maybe, after some time to consider over lunch, fifth). Mulder said afterwards that he felt “Lara keeping the record is exactly the way it should be”, clearly fully aware of the pelters he would have received had he gone on past 400 in what was a Test in name only, and effectively South Africa B against an under-strength Zimbabwe. As an aside, Mulder revealed that it was Shukri Conrad who advised: “Listen, let the legends keep the really big scores.” Never mind what the public thinks of him, perhaps Mulder should be more worried about how highly he’s rated by his own coach.